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Mar 24, 2014

Depressed or Just Tired?

I haven't figured it out yet.  This is certain, though.  I have been extremely tired and unmotivated for about a week now and I don't know why.  I just can not put a finger on it.  These days all I want to do is sit on my butt and play Candy Crush Saga on my android tablet.  At night I dream about clearing the jelly and dropping the ingredients down. I wonder if and when I am going to pass that next level. My emotions are filled with excitement when I pass a level on the first try until disappointment hits when I run out of lives.  Is this all I want to do with my life?

I am constantly on my kids about how long they spend in front of the computer or playing with had held electronic devices.  To avoid fights and a sedentary lifestyle, my kids get 30 minutes in front of the  computer a day and nothing more.  But why do I crave sitting around and doing nothing all day? I am not leading a good example for my little blessings.  But the motivation is nearly gone.

I am leaning toward the depressed answer to my question. When I was a teenager I saw a therapist and was on medication for clinical depression and mild anxiety.  Now that I am an adult I've noticed that my depression isn't as bad but my anxiety is much worse.  My depression has it's peaks and valleys and I've often compared it to a roller coaster.  I can be on an upward hill for years and then all of a sudden I go strait down.  I never know how far down I am going to go, what triggers it or when I am going to stop.  I am tired, warn out and ready to give up.

This post is not a cry for help or a request for your pitty.  I just find blogging a great way to release my thoughts and emotions.  I feel better once it is all out there in black and white letters across a bright yellow screen.

I am tired.  I am tired of having endless conversations without meanings with my teenage daughter.  I am tired of seeing my eight-year-old's red bare eyelids.  I am tired of telling my little Monkey to stop hurting his siblings.  I am tired of changing poop-filled underwear and washing stinky pants every single day.  I am tired of being alone two to three nights a week without adult conversation.  I am tired of picking up toys, doing dishes, and doing laundry every single day.

I miss my mother and my good friends back in Wisconsin.  I miss going out for margaritas at Dos Gringos with Nikki and Jess. I miss walking across the street to the park with my little kids and having pleasant conversations with the neighborhood moms.  I miss tending to my garden, picking fresh vegetables in the summer and watching my beautiful flowers grow.  I miss walking out to the lake at the end of our street, sitting down in my "thinking spot," and watching the ducks float on the water. I miss the short one hour drive to my mother's house. I miss playing my flute at mass on Sundays.  I guess I miss the life that I had over five years ago.  Washington is not my home and it will never be home.

The long cold months out here are draining me.  I miss the change of the four seasons and the sound of the woodpecker pecking at the old tree in my back yard.  I am tired, cold and lonely.  Maybe our upcoming trip to Arizona for spring break will cheer me up.  I am craving the sunshine.

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