Having a Rough Day

12:51 PM

It seems like the only time I ever update this blog is when I am upset, under stress or like today, just having a bad day.  I guess this blog is my place to vent.

Today is my son's fifth Birthday.  But that doesn't make my day any better.  He loves playing computer games and there is this one game that he has that is super hard.  It is a physics game called Osmos.  I still don't understand the object of the game but for some reason he thought that once his fifth birthday came around he would magically figure out how to win Osmos.

Of course when I put the game on the computer for him it wasn't easier like he thought it would be.  After throwing two major temper tantrums I took the computer away from him for the rest of the day.  I told him that even on his birthday he still has to behave.

It thunder stormed last night and I think the storm kept everyone up because all of the animals in the zoo are acting up today. I don't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep.

For the past couple of years I have been on an emotional high. We moved out of crazy California and we now live in a nice neighborhood. I had another baby a year and a half ago.  My husband loves his job and I was happy for him.  But for some reason this morning I have been in tears and I think my depression has returned.

I love my children and the Pacific Northwest is beautiful but, this is not home.  My husband works from 7am-7pm and is out of town on overnights a lot so I feel like a single mom most of the time.  When 6pm rolls around I am beat and crave alone time, which never happens.  I have asked for just one hour on Friday nights to myself but of course that hasn't happened either. 

I have also been suffering from insomnia for a long, long time now.  It doesn't matter how tired I am every single night I just lie in bed awake. It takes me at least three hours to fall asleep. I've tried several herbal remedies and over the counter sleeping pills but nothing works.

The combination of lack of sleep, having to take care of children who only listen to me half of the time without the help of my husband, and being away from all my friends and family for so long has taken its toll.  I feel like I am stuck in a hole and will never get out.  I am supposed to be supportive of my husband and be patient with him. But this is so hard to do.

His job is here so I have to be here too. Although, he has suggested that I take the kids and move back home.  I know I will be happier there but I can not do that to our children.  They need their father so I will not take them away from him.  But what about me? He's hardly ever home anyway. 

I am a good Catholic, or I at least try to be a good Catholic.  And the Catholic Church says that divorce is wrong and marriage is for life.  It doesn't matter how unhappy I am with my marriage I need to stick it out.  He is the man that I chose so I need to try my best to be a good wife no matter what. 

When we moved out of Wisconsin in 2008 my husband said that the move was going to be temporary.  I knew that someday we would move back home and I could return to the life that I loved.  But I am running out of patience.  I don't know how much longer I can do this. 

I don't have any friends here.  I missed out on a lot that has happened back home.  I miss my parents and my old life. 

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6 comments

  1. *HUG* for you
    Happy birthday to your son, but yes even on his birthday, I agree, He has to behave :)

    Is it possible to rent a hotel for two nights even and just stay in and sleep? Once every two months?

    Depression comes and goes. Does yours stay? or it jsut happens at these times when you get 'here'

    Mothering is harder than anything and being a wife giving love and support is harder too. If you don't get replenishment, you'll dry up. You need help,
    I have to be so deliberate with my time or I"ll dry up. I do this alone all month all by myself while my husband is away workin gand when he comes back for a month, I'm still doing it all alone. I think ... I know how you feel.
    I don't even have family in the same state with me.

    Marriage has to be healthy to survive or it's just thistle waiting to burn.
    I feel like that about mine sometimes. I remember about to lose my mind if I didn't get out. I screamed at my husband. I twas terrible. He realized that something was desperately wrong. He schedule counseling. I don't know if it worked. They surely didn't help me.
    I am trying so hard to think, I should be thankful for blessing of good life, roof over head, money to pay bills, children that love me etc, but what about my marriage. And I pray it will get better, but I have this niggling doubt that once my kids leave, so will I.
    I feel your pain.

    *HUGS*
    Is there a way to find job? or participate more with things in your church? school for the kids? etc?
    What is something you'd want to do physically right now for you that would help you?
    Just plan one thing at a time and do it.
    *HUG*
    I hope you feel better soon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to visit and leave me a comment. I don't know if staying at a hotel will help me with my insomnia or not. But I know I need something.

      I have been suffering from depression and anxiety ever since I was a teen. It comes and goes. I have peaks and valleys. Sometimes I compare it to a roller coaster. I was on an emotional high for almost two years until this morning. I think all the stress and lack of sleep just piled up on me and hit me like a brick when I got up this morning.

      It sounds like we have similar situations with our marriages. When my husband is home it is almost like we are room mates and not a couple like we should be. He is my best friend but that is where our relationship ends. I sometimes wonder what is going to happen after our kids are grown too. Like you I just have to keep praying for my marriage too.

      We tried counseling once too, but I don't think it helped either. During counseling I just learned new things about my husband that made me question my marriage even more. I try not to think about those counseling sessions. I don't have very good memories from them.

      Thank you again for your kind words. We are going on a family road trip out to Wisconsin to see my parents next week. Hopefully that is just the kind of break I need to regain my sanity. I am looking forward to going home for a week.

      Delete
  2. I found your blog via The Healthy Moms Magazine and I just wanted to leave a comment here to say how strong you sound.

    My husband travels a lot for work and although I stay at home, so it's not the same, we're having a baby in a couple of months and I wonder how him being away all the time will change our relationship.

    I think it's wonderful that you're putting you children first, and I hope having an outlet like THMM helps you when times are hard - I find writing very therapeutic.

    I hope you have a lovely time on your family road trip!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you for visiting, Louise and for leaving me a comment. It is very hard to raise a family with a husband who is away as much as mine is. But I am trying my best to stay strong. Last night I learned something else about my husband which I am not very happy about. So now I am seeking marriage counseling. Good luck with your new baby and congratulations!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Cascia, I'm sorry to hear that things with your marriage aren't going the best...that is the toughest area of all because it's the foundation of your family, so all other areas of your life can't help but seem harder and less enjoyable. I really hope that things improve in that department and maybe you will find that your insomnia and depression will improve then, too. I have struggled off and on through the years with depression as well (I blogged on my new blog about it in May & June) and it's so hard to predict what's going to help and what's going to ignite it! I hope that your trip helped and that things have been better in these weeks since. Happy belated birthday to your son (just two days after my daughter's)!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi Cascia, I know sometimes life can be so stressful and I can relate with that. Always look at the positive side of everything, like this blog site of yours. Every time you make a post on your site you touches the other peoples life who has the same situation.

    ReplyDelete

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