Today is my son's fifth Birthday. But that doesn't make my day any better. He loves playing computer games and there is this one game that he has that is super hard. It is a physics game called Osmos. I still don't understand the object of the game but for some reason he thought that once his fifth birthday came around he would magically figure out how to win Osmos.
Of course when I put the game on the computer for him it wasn't easier like he thought it would be. After throwing two major temper tantrums I took the computer away from him for the rest of the day. I told him that even on his birthday he still has to behave.
It thunder stormed last night and I think the storm kept everyone up because all of the animals in the zoo are acting up today. I don't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep.
For the past couple of years I have been on an emotional high. We moved out of crazy California and we now live in a nice neighborhood. I had another baby a year and a half ago. My husband loves his job and I was happy for him. But for some reason this morning I have been in tears and I think my depression has returned.
I love my children and the Pacific Northwest is beautiful but, this is not home. My husband works from 7am-7pm and is out of town on overnights a lot so I feel like a single mom most of the time. When 6pm rolls around I am beat and crave alone time, which never happens. I have asked for just one hour on Friday nights to myself but of course that hasn't happened either.
I have also been suffering from insomnia for a long, long time now. It doesn't matter how tired I am every single night I just lie in bed awake. It takes me at least three hours to fall asleep. I've tried several herbal remedies and over the counter sleeping pills but nothing works.
The combination of lack of sleep, having to take care of children who only listen to me half of the time without the help of my husband, and being away from all my friends and family for so long has taken its toll. I feel like I am stuck in a hole and will never get out. I am supposed to be supportive of my husband and be patient with him. But this is so hard to do.
His job is here so I have to be here too. Although, he has suggested that I take the kids and move back home. I know I will be happier there but I can not do that to our children. They need their father so I will not take them away from him. But what about me? He's hardly ever home anyway.
I am a good Catholic, or I at least try to be a good Catholic. And the Catholic Church says that divorce is wrong and marriage is for life. It doesn't matter how unhappy I am with my marriage I need to stick it out. He is the man that I chose so I need to try my best to be a good wife no matter what.
When we moved out of Wisconsin in 2008 my husband said that the move was going to be temporary. I knew that someday we would move back home and I could return to the life that I loved. But I am running out of patience. I don't know how much longer I can do this.
I don't have any friends here. I missed out on a lot that has happened back home. I miss my parents and my old life.