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Feb 9, 2012

Who am I Trying to Impress?

Last night I asked myself that question as I sat alone in the McDonald's parking lot. When I get depressed, upset, anxious or just need to get away from my kids I escape to the McDonald's down the street from my home. There I can be alone and sit in my van and think. Winnie the Pooh has his thinking spot and I need mine too.

When we lived in Wisconsin I used to walk to the end of my street and sit by the lake. When we lived in California I did not have a place to escape. Sometimes I would take a walk around the block, but I always ran into people so I wasn't alone. When I am upset I need to be alone. Last night was one of those nights.

Nobody reads this blog so I decided I can say whatever I want here. Maybe after typing this I will feel a little better.

Yesterday was a tough day for me. My four year old started pre-school and it just wasn't the same around here without him. And to top it off, my two-year-old decided to do every single naughty two-year-old thing you can think of. He tackled his little brother, climbed onto the counter and got into the dishes in the sink, said "no" to me every time I tried to discipline him, made a mess with his toys, got into the food in the pantry and the refrigerator and when his brother got home from school he chased him around the house. Today Monkey's behavior isn't much better either.

When I was trying to fix dinner last night the kids decided to help themselves to cereal. I was already anxious due to the way Monkey was behaving this only made my anxiety worse. I just wanted to have a relaxing dinner with the family. I also wanted to surprise my husband with dinner on the table when he got home.

Dinner was ready at 5 o'clock but my kids already had full bellies. I just wanted to escape. So I called my husband to find out when he was going to be home. He said he'd be there in twenty minutes or so. I put the baby in his high-chair, fed him a jar of sweet potatoes and got myself some dinner.

When my husband arrived he was in a pissed off mood. I asked him what was wrong and he said he just had a bad day. "Do you want to talk about it?" I asked. He said no. So I left for the McDonald's parking lot and told him that I had my phone with me in case he wanted to talk.

I finally found out that his problem was me. He doesn't think I am loving. He wants a loving relationship with his wife and it just isn't there. What am I supposed to do? I think we need to read that love languages book that is recommended for married couples like us. Maybe we have different definitions about what it is to be loving. Anyway, just thinking about this is causing me to get depressed.

I haven't been depressed in a long time. I really do not want to be either. But my motivation to work out is gone. My motivation to fix myself a healthy breakfast is also gone. I don't want to do much of anything. Why should I work out and try to fit into that tiny bikini this summer? Who am I trying to impress?

Suddenly I have the urge to spend money that isn't there. Whenever I spend money it makes me feel better.

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