Who am I Trying to Impress?

10:58 AM

Last night I asked myself that question as I sat alone in the McDonald's parking lot. When I get depressed, upset, anxious or just need to get away from my kids I escape to the McDonald's down the street from my home. There I can be alone and sit in my van and think. Winnie the Pooh has his thinking spot and I need mine too.

When we lived in Wisconsin I used to walk to the end of my street and sit by the lake. When we lived in California I did not have a place to escape. Sometimes I would take a walk around the block, but I always ran into people so I wasn't alone. When I am upset I need to be alone. Last night was one of those nights.

Nobody reads this blog so I decided I can say whatever I want here. Maybe after typing this I will feel a little better.

Yesterday was a tough day for me. My four year old started pre-school and it just wasn't the same around here without him. And to top it off, my two-year-old decided to do every single naughty two-year-old thing you can think of. He tackled his little brother, climbed onto the counter and got into the dishes in the sink, said "no" to me every time I tried to discipline him, made a mess with his toys, got into the food in the pantry and the refrigerator and when his brother got home from school he chased him around the house. Today Monkey's behavior isn't much better either.

When I was trying to fix dinner last night the kids decided to help themselves to cereal. I was already anxious due to the way Monkey was behaving this only made my anxiety worse. I just wanted to have a relaxing dinner with the family. I also wanted to surprise my husband with dinner on the table when he got home.

Dinner was ready at 5 o'clock but my kids already had full bellies. I just wanted to escape. So I called my husband to find out when he was going to be home. He said he'd be there in twenty minutes or so. I put the baby in his high-chair, fed him a jar of sweet potatoes and got myself some dinner.

When my husband arrived he was in a pissed off mood. I asked him what was wrong and he said he just had a bad day. "Do you want to talk about it?" I asked. He said no. So I left for the McDonald's parking lot and told him that I had my phone with me in case he wanted to talk.

I finally found out that his problem was me. He doesn't think I am loving. He wants a loving relationship with his wife and it just isn't there. What am I supposed to do? I think we need to read that love languages book that is recommended for married couples like us. Maybe we have different definitions about what it is to be loving. Anyway, just thinking about this is causing me to get depressed.

I haven't been depressed in a long time. I really do not want to be either. But my motivation to work out is gone. My motivation to fix myself a healthy breakfast is also gone. I don't want to do much of anything. Why should I work out and try to fit into that tiny bikini this summer? Who am I trying to impress?

Suddenly I have the urge to spend money that isn't there. Whenever I spend money it makes me feel better.




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6 comments

  1. I am a new visitor to your blog, and I wanted to let you know that I have read your entry and I'm going to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that you and your husband are able to sit down and talk and work things out. I know that we don't know each other so this may sound weird coming from a stranger, but I really do wish you the best <3

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  2. There are times like these when we are filled with so much to get out and want to do rash things because we just really want to feel just a little better. Honestly I've been there. I've been so spindled up that I wanted to escape my own skin and couldn't. It takes awhile to feel better, bigger, in a little more control of what needs to be done.

    Yes you will lose your appetite and all inspiration in this time. It's ok. Just give yourself time to let it pass and then you'll be able to think and do.

    If you have a plan you can tackle the kids behaviour. Put up a list of chores and rewards sheet and one for behaviours etc.

    Write a letter to your husband about what's inside you. It might be hard, but it must come out or you'll get to a point where you even despise your own self for not standing up for what needs to be said. Writing gets it out without interruption. Even if you just want to read it to him.

    I'm having the problems with my spouse too and I'm praying and praying and trying. It is the hardest to share life with another human being. We are all so different in our lives.

    Maybe ask the husband in what ways he'd like for you to be more loving? You might not like his answers, but just ask, so you'll know and if you feel it's fair, then try.

    When you feel better you can try again, just give yourself time and I promise the sting of it will pass.

    And yes, you both have to commit to learning about what each other need to make this more 'loving' it cannot just be you.

    I'm so sorry you are hurting right now. I"ll pray with you. *HUGS*

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  3. Hi There Sweet Friend, I feel you here. When nothing seems to be going right, it's so frustrating especially when you're a young mother. I'm a grandmother so I have the memories of raising children. If you work on "you" making sure you have time for yourself it helps to gain fresh perspective and you'll feel better and in turn handle family situations with less anxiety. I don't really want to give you instruction, just encourage you to take care of you and everything will fall into place. Try it, I'll be praying for you.

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  4. I can definitely relate to this post, in fact I am having that kind of day today! And, it's my anniversary (as if that should make a difference). :p (Wait, it's your anniversary, too - right? I remember from my momwriterme.blogspot.com days! So, Happy Anniversary to you and your hubby! I hope things are going better for you now!) Hugs!!!

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  5. Thanks for stopping by Andrea! Yes I remember that we share the same Anniversary, same year too, right, 2003? I am pretty sure I remember that we married our hubbies on the same exact day. I hope you have a wonderful Anniversary. My husband is out of town so we won't be able to celebrate until Sunday, bummer, but that's alright. I hope your day improves and thanks again for stopping by!

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  6. Yes, we got married in 2003 as well! :-) I just got caught up on your posts again and I completely know what you mean about life being harder when your husband is away. Mine has just been working later in the evenings and yet that still seems to make such a difference for me (my mood, energy level, happiness, etc.) :( Parenting really does work best with two parents!!!

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